I’ve been watching a lot of workshops and tutorials lately.  Inspiring ones, I must add.  They left me with an urge to create and in a way I’d never done before.  I often find myself too comfortable in my work, my images come to me easily, like a second nature.  And as much as I love my work, I want more.  I do have a problem though, a big one.  The more I try to challenge myself, the more confused I get.  It’s a bit difficult to explain, but I feel like I can’t really get a grip of who I really am and what I really want.  I’m lost.   And I’m not sure I like that feeling.  Actually, I hate it.  

It’s not about the way I live my life and the choices I made.  Those I’m rock solid on.  It’s the creative part of me, the way I express myself, how I want to do it, what I want to show.  That’s where I’m lost.  In a wide open sea, still, quiet.  It just doesn’t come to me.  I’m wandering in thick fog, trying to catch a glimpse of light.

You see, I think of artists that inspire me.  When I look at them, at their art, when I listen to them, I feel like they’re whole.  Everything about them is in harmony, they’re an incarnation of their creative minds.  Even in the way they dress.  I still can’t tell to this day, what my clothing style really is, what I really like, what is “me”.  I choose what I think I am, but is it really who I am?  I feel like it isn’t.  You see how confused I am now?  Down to the color of my next sweater!  Some people have such a clear sense of who they are, and when you meet someone like this you instantly feel it.  I mostly feel like something’s out of tune, something stops the flow, and I want to break the dam.

I’m not in a creative slump, I have tons of concepts and ideas in mind, all the time.  It’s about how I want to bring them out and how they represent who I am.  I love my work, I always did.  I still look at my images and they bring me the exact sense of peace I wanted from the beginning.  But I want more, and I do feel I’m more complex than that.  I just don’t know how to bring it to the light.  I want clarity.  How does one find clarity?  I’d be a happy gal if I knew!

In order to go further in my creative work I took some steps.  I enrolled in classes, one is a videography class with Xanthe Berkeley, the other’s a creative writing class from open edu.  I want to do both these courses for personal reasons, not business reasons.  I don’t want to gain more fans or get more sales from them, I do it for me.  Will it help me find clarity, I doubt it.  Clarity will have to come from within, and I don’t have a clue how and when it will strike.  I might need years of psychoanalysis sessions, lol

I know my personal choices and creative spirit are related, and in the end, when I do find the light, my daily life will only benefit from it. In the meantime I will have to put up with never being totally satisfied with my work.  It’s a long process but I’m moving forward.  Fog will lift with time.

This post is part of a blog circle, please visit Audrey’s blog and make your way around the circle xox