I’ve been watching a lot of workshops and tutorials lately. Inspiring ones, I must add. They left me with an urge to create and in a way I’d never done before. I often find myself too comfortable in my work, my images come to me easily, like a second nature. And as much as I love my work, I want more. I do have a problem though, a big one. The more I try to challenge myself, the more confused I get. It’s a bit difficult to explain, but I feel like I can’t really get a grip of who I really am and what I really want. I’m lost. And I’m not sure I like that feeling. Actually, I hate it.
It’s not about the way I live my life and the choices I made. Those I’m rock solid on. It’s the creative part of me, the way I express myself, how I want to do it, what I want to show. That’s where I’m lost. In a wide open sea, still, quiet. It just doesn’t come to me. I’m wandering in thick fog, trying to catch a glimpse of light.
You see, I think of artists that inspire me. When I look at them, at their art, when I listen to them, I feel like they’re whole. Everything about them is in harmony, they’re an incarnation of their creative minds. Even in the way they dress. I still can’t tell to this day, what my clothing style really is, what I really like, what is “me”. I choose what I think I am, but is it really who I am? I feel like it isn’t. You see how confused I am now? Down to the color of my next sweater! Some people have such a clear sense of who they are, and when you meet someone like this you instantly feel it. I mostly feel like something’s out of tune, something stops the flow, and I want to break the dam.
I’m not in a creative slump, I have tons of concepts and ideas in mind, all the time. It’s about how I want to bring them out and how they represent who I am. I love my work, I always did. I still look at my images and they bring me the exact sense of peace I wanted from the beginning. But I want more, and I do feel I’m more complex than that. I just don’t know how to bring it to the light. I want clarity. How does one find clarity? I’d be a happy gal if I knew!
In order to go further in my creative work I took some steps. I enrolled in classes, one is a videography class with Xanthe Berkeley, the other’s a creative writing class from open edu. I want to do both these courses for personal reasons, not business reasons. I don’t want to gain more fans or get more sales from them, I do it for me. Will it help me find clarity, I doubt it. Clarity will have to come from within, and I don’t have a clue how and when it will strike. I might need years of psychoanalysis sessions, lol
I know my personal choices and creative spirit are related, and in the end, when I do find the light, my daily life will only benefit from it. In the meantime I will have to put up with never being totally satisfied with my work. It’s a long process but I’m moving forward. Fog will lift with time.
This post is part of a blog circle, please visit Audrey’s blog and make your way around the circle xox